Memories:
Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
memories of the beautiful fields of my homecounty and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother's arms, and her jealous husband's violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.
please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.
Monday 9 June 2014
Sunday 2 February 2014
hmph, no-one is reading my blog and i feel ill.
I went to the homeless lunch but all the bad homeless people were there, whispering about me and sniggering. They do this, every town has a group of druggies and winos who make up rumours and lies about people because they have nothing better to do, they target clean, quiet homeless people, I think it's resentment, I don't know, but I remember when I first became homeless and met this kind of people it really upset me, in a way it still does, they can alienate people for no good reason.
still there are good people to talk to so ignoring the bad is a great idea.
The other thing about the homeless lunch was a bit odd, one person decided they wanted to keep up a conversation about sex and sex shops for the whole room to hear, this wasn't a homeless person, but the lunch includes all vulnerable people, but anyway, they got the homeless people joining in, and the conversation was really in the gutter.
I have had times in my life where I have used bad language and bad words, but that never suited me, I have no interest in anything dirty, and yet part of the church slander of me was that I was deliberately trying to seduce someone's husband. The church are a law unto themselves, so are some of the homeless. I am having a bad day, so I find it hard that no matter what I do I am talked about detrimentally and I am all wrong.
I went back to the protest camp and someone had donated a cake that had icing with pictures of giraffes on it, Patrick seemed pleased with that, and then I went to the Chemist, the chemist had finally sorted out a prescription of mine that they had lost, and I got some very strong pain relief as well as my stomach medicines.
Here I am wishing I could write something and wishing I felt better.
No-one is following my blog because that phantom menace is stopping them, no-one is reading my blog because I am writing too much and not writing what I need to, and I am just crying out in distress and unable to do anything. I have nowhere to go and sleep off this pain, nowhere quiet.
I went to the homeless lunch but all the bad homeless people were there, whispering about me and sniggering. They do this, every town has a group of druggies and winos who make up rumours and lies about people because they have nothing better to do, they target clean, quiet homeless people, I think it's resentment, I don't know, but I remember when I first became homeless and met this kind of people it really upset me, in a way it still does, they can alienate people for no good reason.
still there are good people to talk to so ignoring the bad is a great idea.
The other thing about the homeless lunch was a bit odd, one person decided they wanted to keep up a conversation about sex and sex shops for the whole room to hear, this wasn't a homeless person, but the lunch includes all vulnerable people, but anyway, they got the homeless people joining in, and the conversation was really in the gutter.
I have had times in my life where I have used bad language and bad words, but that never suited me, I have no interest in anything dirty, and yet part of the church slander of me was that I was deliberately trying to seduce someone's husband. The church are a law unto themselves, so are some of the homeless. I am having a bad day, so I find it hard that no matter what I do I am talked about detrimentally and I am all wrong.
I went back to the protest camp and someone had donated a cake that had icing with pictures of giraffes on it, Patrick seemed pleased with that, and then I went to the Chemist, the chemist had finally sorted out a prescription of mine that they had lost, and I got some very strong pain relief as well as my stomach medicines.
Here I am wishing I could write something and wishing I felt better.
No-one is following my blog because that phantom menace is stopping them, no-one is reading my blog because I am writing too much and not writing what I need to, and I am just crying out in distress and unable to do anything. I have nowhere to go and sleep off this pain, nowhere quiet.
abuse
Abuse takes the beauty out of beautiful scenery, it takes away smiles and laughter, it isolates people, it shames people, it takes hopes and bright futures. Abuse is bad, and so much abuse is denied at the expense of the victim.
not a good day
Today isn't a good day for writing, I have only limited computer access, I am feeling low, I wish there was some way out.
The camp isn't very safe, I didn't sleep there last night but people were invading all the tents including mine.
This morning one of the aggresive camp members was picking a quarrel and saying I don't contribute anything, I replied that since when did he notice anything I did? did he notice that I bring all the food I am given and share it? did he notice that I couldn't sleep at the camp or that I had been asked to look after the information stall when I wanted to go to church? or that I tidy the kitchen every time I stand there to be out of the cigarette smoke? All I notice about him is that he stands there smoking and smoking.
He is a short man, a short man who wants to take his aggresion out on someone.
sorry nothing more cheerful to say.
Last night I saw a rare bit of television, a Bishop standing up for the protesters and saying it was the church who were wrong and not the protesters, I wonder how he copes with his church's own inhumane and wrong policies on abuse and abuse victims?
The camp isn't very safe, I didn't sleep there last night but people were invading all the tents including mine.
This morning one of the aggresive camp members was picking a quarrel and saying I don't contribute anything, I replied that since when did he notice anything I did? did he notice that I bring all the food I am given and share it? did he notice that I couldn't sleep at the camp or that I had been asked to look after the information stall when I wanted to go to church? or that I tidy the kitchen every time I stand there to be out of the cigarette smoke? All I notice about him is that he stands there smoking and smoking.
He is a short man, a short man who wants to take his aggresion out on someone.
sorry nothing more cheerful to say.
Last night I saw a rare bit of television, a Bishop standing up for the protesters and saying it was the church who were wrong and not the protesters, I wonder how he copes with his church's own inhumane and wrong policies on abuse and abuse victims?
sleeping
Hello,
nothing much has happened in life in the last 24 hours.
I have been editing the story of my life from 17-30, and it is a long slow process.
I have been sleeping in my alleyway and getting the leftovers from the takeaway for my supper, I have been to the market to drink tea and listen to the gossip, and I have been to the samaritans a few times.
The weather here has been exceptionally mild and I have been warm at night, but it is about to start raining again.
Halloween was very quiet, I only saw a few teenagers dressed up and not particularly doing anything.
By the way, I have a very warm and comfortable lot of bedding at the moment, I have a sleeping bag and two wool blankets as a matress, a good quality sleeping bag to sleep in, a blanket on top of that, and two shawls for my head and neck and a little pillow and my backpack for my head.
A bit better than the traditional cardboard and blanket, though if my bedding gets wet or stolen I can end up back to the cardboard and blanket.
I tend to sleep well, though I usually wake between 3 and 4am needing the loo, this is because I have essential hot drinks as I wait for bed time in the evening.
I am usually warm and comfortable in the morning, and tempted to doze, but it isn't a good idea to doze when it gets light in case I am found. Generally I sleep as well outside as I would inside and am less distressed outside, but I do have a problem if the weather turns bad, because I have no shelter at the moment.
That girl from the protesters camp came after me yesterday when I went to leave my spare takeaway on the soup kitchen stall for other homeless people to eat. She scares me, I don't know what she wanted.
I am breathing better since I left the camp because I am not breathing in so much smoke.
nothing much has happened in life in the last 24 hours.
I have been editing the story of my life from 17-30, and it is a long slow process.
I have been sleeping in my alleyway and getting the leftovers from the takeaway for my supper, I have been to the market to drink tea and listen to the gossip, and I have been to the samaritans a few times.
The weather here has been exceptionally mild and I have been warm at night, but it is about to start raining again.
Halloween was very quiet, I only saw a few teenagers dressed up and not particularly doing anything.
By the way, I have a very warm and comfortable lot of bedding at the moment, I have a sleeping bag and two wool blankets as a matress, a good quality sleeping bag to sleep in, a blanket on top of that, and two shawls for my head and neck and a little pillow and my backpack for my head.
A bit better than the traditional cardboard and blanket, though if my bedding gets wet or stolen I can end up back to the cardboard and blanket.
I tend to sleep well, though I usually wake between 3 and 4am needing the loo, this is because I have essential hot drinks as I wait for bed time in the evening.
I am usually warm and comfortable in the morning, and tempted to doze, but it isn't a good idea to doze when it gets light in case I am found. Generally I sleep as well outside as I would inside and am less distressed outside, but I do have a problem if the weather turns bad, because I have no shelter at the moment.
That girl from the protesters camp came after me yesterday when I went to leave my spare takeaway on the soup kitchen stall for other homeless people to eat. She scares me, I don't know what she wanted.
I am breathing better since I left the camp because I am not breathing in so much smoke.
bad days
well this is a crash into despair and depression.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can't keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can't cope with the church condemning me.
I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I'm homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.
Why don't I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?
It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.
Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don't want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.
I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.
I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can't keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can't cope with the church condemning me.
I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I'm homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.
Why don't I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?
It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.
Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don't want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.
I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.
I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.
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